Influencer Down: Burning Man 2023
The Burning Man Festival is generally renowned for celebrities and tech billionaires galavanting around, what usually is, the dust bowl known as Nevada’s Black Rock desert.
Many people thought it would be here, under the searing heat of the American Sun, that we would finally see the battle to the death of Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk.
Rumor had it that Zuckerberg was heard, in late August, saying,
‘Creating Threads was just a distraction for the head kick I’m going to land on his fat South African head. If he thinks AI is his biggest problem, he has another thing coming.’
There was no clarification as to if that statement was made as Zuck was not seen anywhere at Burning Man this year.
‘Coward’ Elon was reported to have said, as he ditched one of his many Teslas and opted for a gas-guzzling F150 after his car was bogged.
What was present, however, was a weather pattern not experienced in the festival’s twenty-seven-year history.
The first casualty of the downpour was the glitter. The already despicable substance became even stronger with the additional wet weather, with several attendees being horrifically blinded.
‘I told you these goggles had a purpose!’ screamed one steampunk influencer.
70,000 people have been stranded now for up to twenty-four hours with food, fuel, and rations becoming dramatically scarce.
‘Ever since Stereo got canceled in 2015, I’ve been coming here,’ Attendee Jayden Koggle, from the New South Wales Central Coast said, ‘It’s not as lit as Stereo was because there’s like art and shit here.’
When asked about his situation, Mr. Koggle replied, ‘Who needs muesli bars when you’ve got ketamine?’
‘Plus heaps of people got BMX bikes here so I’m showing everyone how to do monos and tail whips. Nah, it’s actually sick.’
Many celebrities have been seen fleeing the festival with comedian Chris Rock and DJ Diplo walking for over eight kilometers to hitch a ride on the back of a pickup truck.
‘I’m getting the hell out of here! How many lives do you think I have?’ Chris Rock was heard saying, ‘I didn’t survive Will Smith’s slap to end up dying at Burning Man.’
Although the inclement weather has put a damper on the festival, the event’s spirit of community and gift-giving has seen many revelers sharing food, supplies, and STIs.
‘That’s what this festival is all about’ Heather, an Australian, living in Washington stated.
A number of the events high profile influencers have been blacklisted after James Charles was reported to have been bottling mud that surrounded various campsites and attempted to flog it online as his new skincare range.
Charles’ ‘Burning Man ‘Essence’ is available for USD 95.